The journey of being an empath
I know it’s who I am, how I was brought into the world, and how I will always be. I get that it’s a “blessing” to have feelings and to understand humans at a deep, ominous level that words will never be able to shovel into. It is a feeling, it is energy, it is whatever you want to call it- but most of all
IT IS SIMPLY HARD
There will always be in my head the moment I realized OH… this isn’t normal. To feel this much, to literally hurt when others are hurting, and to see a stranger struggle and feel so god damn uncomfortable for them, probably more than they are uncomfortable, isn’t something people easily get unless they are one of me. One of the empaths. I literally just “HEY GOOGLE” this to my Google Mini and it is 15-20% “of earth’s population is highly sensitive”. Although HSP do not always equate to empaths, this is a significant chunk of humans breathing and feeling and living life a little differently.
Now the pickle comes with being this sort of, what do I call myself without spiritually gagging, “Social influencer”. However I got here, I got here. I’m grateful to be here but to say that empaths are the ones usually doing this type of work just isn’t true. Type of work: not just writing poems or painting. I am physically and emotionally pouring my heart and soul on to INSTAGRAM CAPTIONS (I just laughed out loud, not just LOL but really did laugh) weekly, daily… a lot.
On one hand, you say your truths. It is what makes you who you are and why others want to listen to who you are.
And then on the other hand… you just care. You care so damn much. I used to think I cared because it was simply me caring too much. I tried to give less fucks. I kid you not, that was my 2017 resolution: TO GIVE LESS FUCKS. It turned in to me giving less fucks about resolutions.
I don’t know why it took me this long to truly understand this: I just simply hate hurting people’s feelings. It sounds so dumb. But when someone takes something I say wrongly or translates words on a phone into a voice that is not my own, or sometimes is my own, into their brain, and they aren’t happy- I need to know why. I think about it, I let it consume me, and I just refuse to say “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea” because I know that is true to some degree, but when you have intentions as simple as helping, it can eat ya the fuck up inside.
So I have come to the conclusion that is not the act of giving less fucks, which we all know is a way of protecting self and walls that go up with giving less fucks also mean that walls will go up to block alllll the things that need to come through …..
But it is simply the act of LETTING Go
Or shall I say: the ART of letting go
I use flower essences, some oils, and a lot of hot baths to help me do this
But really nothing works unless I constantly work on it. I am not over exaggerating when I say
I fear the idea of having to do THIS MUCH spiritual and emotional work every day because OHMYGAWD it is not easy
But that’s almost why I think I can do it. Like a standing desk, like my workouts, like my job
Seriously Em you can take the hard road on everything except YOUR SOUL?!?! (insert eye roll at myself)
This internal dialogue which we all know exists: one human but 2 voices, sometimes more, just trying to talk about life’s problems, people’s interactions, and day to day predicaments… That’s where the art of letting go begins.
So where does this go. Let me start with a simple example from last night’s flight home.
I landed in Denver from VEGAS (I have zero words for that town and my liver will never forgive me not because of me drinking too much but simply because the amount of ARTIFICIAL SMELLS IN THAT PLACE trying to cover up cigarette smoke oh my gawddd I am simply fascinated with that town in all the wrong ways)
And I was happy.
I’ve struggled a lot recently with just simply being happy
(I just teared up and some of the smells from vegas literally just came out of my nose)
I truly believe that this hard time with being happy has soooo much to do with what I am writing about. Feeling the burden of the world, wanting so badly to heal everyone, and trying to do it perfectly without fault without misstep and without making other people react because I simply don’t know how to handle negative reactions….
So I am racing to the train to get to my Uber to get home to Griffy poo as soon as possible, and I see a guy with no legs in a wheelchair who refused any help and was CRUSHING the runway
I just thought to myself, this guy is so brave… Whether he wanted this life or not, he took it, and he is stubborn and strong and moving faster than most of these people around him with limited capabilities, and he just had this glow about him. I would like to think he gave less fucks then most, but maybe he is one of the 15-20%? I’ll never know
And I just felt this overwhelming sense of “I want him to feel love” and while all these people are oblivious to him or pitying him or unaware, I wanted him to feel some sort of acknowledgement that I see you and you inspire me
So I tried to send him some of my bubble of love and I just felt like my heart could explode it was full of so much gratitude and all the empath things…
And then I got on the train
And everyone sucked the life out of me because everyone was too worried about being by the entrance door that they wouldn’t move to the middle, and let people come in, and this all sounds so silly but I had a moment of clarity where I realized if people just aren’t used to caring, or maybe they have all the walls and have allowed themselves to just stay in their lane, they won’t know. And they won’t get it. And I can beat my head against a wall over and over of frustration or I can simply
And I did. it was received with silence and big eyes and I realized that the only interactions that matter are the ones face to face soul to soul and energy to energy
Because then people can feel your intentions
And all else
I will be able to let go
The art of letting go doesn’t mean care less
Or try less
It means FIND MORE WAYS TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH
And to speak truth
To be just
To be powerful
To open yourself up to just be fucking more
Every single day